On Change


I resist change.

I crave change.

Like most parts of my personality, I always deal in extremes. I'm constantly wanting things to be different and new and exciting and then jumping ship the moment it seems that my comfortable lifeboat will be rocked in any way. 

Mostly, I just get thrown overboard and then work on treading water and getting back to dry land. 

(Why am I making so many nautical references here?! This has really gotten away from me.)

I've spent a lot of my life staying in situations that are just comfortable "enough". The job that I don't love but gets me by. The relationship that's no longer working right, but my head still rests comfortably in the crook of his arm so I let it linger.

I recently went away for a month. I'd like to tell you it was for some noble cause, but the truth is that I was running away. Mostly, I was running away from feeling comfortable. I needed to feel unsettled and disoriented for a while. I needed to get lost. I needed to carry my belongings on my back while struggling to communicate. I needed to feel lonely when I was actually alone (and not surrounded by people). 

I'd like to tell you it worked, but I think the one thing it succeeded in is making running away itself feel more comfortable. I've been back 10 days and am already looking at other trips, different moves, and 6 months stays in foreign cities. I'm not necessarily saying any of those things will happen, but I"m restless right now. 

I want to keep running.